The Things They Taught Us Without Saying a Word

A woman I know professionally reached out to me recently via email. Through a mutual acquaintance, she’d heard I was writing a book about the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) my siblings and I experienced. She expressed surprise, saying this: “We often believe that the people who look like they have everything figured out would never understand the shame and weight of childhood trauma. I certainly had you on a pedestal as a super woman who had it all figured out. I’m sure many others do, too. That is why it’s so inspiring that you are willing to share your story and what you learned so others will not feel alone in their struggle.”

Her note meant a lot to me, and we later met over a glass of wine, discovering how much we had in common. She, too, is what many would call a “Super Woman” who has a life wired with a powerful job, obvious competence, and an air of confidence and certainty. As we talked, I learned how she, like me, had developed that persona to defend against the crippling shame and guilt of childhood emotional and sexual abuse. She, like me, found strength and comfort in gaining mastery of the outside world and creating a sense of control in her life. Meanwhile, the shame ate away at her self-esteem and led her to destructive choices and relationships. We’re both still unlearning the things we were taught as children.

Since our conversation, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I learned, exactly - from my parents and from the environment we grew up in. I’m noticing that I can’t remember any overt “life lessons” being directly communicated. No one ever really talked with us about what values our family held dear, what actions we should or shouldn’t take, how to be a good person in the world, or what is most important in life. Do others get those sorts of lessons? I don’t know. In my family, though, we were muddling through.

What I can glean from my childhood are more subtle messages. No one said them out loud; I doubt they were even aware they were communicating! They just lived their lives, providing a (dysfunctional) model for how to be and what life is like. Here are some of the things they taught me without saying a word:

1. Life is a struggle – it’s always going to be difficult no matter how hard you try, so soldier on!

2. Men are not to be relied on – the women take care of things and look past the most egregious behavior of the men in our lives.

3. We can’t have new or nice things – those are for other, better, luckier people.

4. Certain topics are off-limits – don’t bring them up. If you do, I will pretend not to hear you, call you a liar, and/or change the subject.

5. Ignore the bad things and they go away - if we pretend reality is not real, it won’t be.

It takes a lifetime to unlearn these unspoken “truths.” I sometimes tire at the recognition that my early programming still influences me. What would it be like, I wonder, to NOT have these teachings to overcome? What would it be like to have a relatively clean slate of mind and soul, sure of itself and its worth? I wonder if anyone has this, even with the best of parents and the most stable of childhoods.

Perhaps for all of us, this process of unlearning is what makes us who we are. Maybe this is the point of our lives – to find our way, to assert our worth, and to help each other in that discovery.