Things We Can Change

I ran across a quote from James Baldwin recently that caught my eye. Here it is: “Not everything that is faced can be changed; but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” I’ve been thinking a lot about this concept, considering my own history, the things I have looked at head-on, and, as a result, what has (or hasn’t!) changed.

I’ve learned a few things.

Throughout my life, I’ve been working on integrating and assimilating the truth of my childhood and the reality of the family I lived with for my first 18 years. What strikes me is how I was unable to start that process until I was clear of it. For example, I have vivid memories of sobbing in the shower, away at school during my freshman year of college. At the time, I had no real understanding of why; I just knew I felt sad and angry. In hindsight, some 45 years later, I know that my body was starting the long undertaking of shedding the trauma and unexpressed emotions it held.

But I couldn’t have known that – or faced it – at the time.

After college, as I became entangled in one inappropriate, unhealthy relationship after another, I didn’t yet understand the motivations behind my unceasing need to be with someone…anyone…to fill a void I’d yet to recognize, or – as Baldwin would say – face.

Two different, but related, un-faced truths. The difference, of course, is what could be changed and what could not.

Once I began to confront the truth of the past, it became clear (over many years) that it could not be changed. At least not by me. The decisions made by others were theirs to acknowledge and correct, but – alas – they didn't have the capacity or desire to do so. In fact, one of the chapters in my book Wreckage is aptly titled, “My Mother and the Art of Ignorance.” She, to the detriment of her children, could not face (and consequently not change) her circumstance.

We all suffered.

I could have done the same, but – for reasons I’m not even sure I understand – I was somehow able to look at the course my life was taking and decide differently. I don’t say this to brag or somehow elevate myself. I know we all have our own abilities and lessons to learn, however we learn them.

I share this to perhaps offer some hope.

It seems to me that, by honestly shining light on even those things we cannot change, we begin to understand ourselves in ways that empower us to address the things we can. It’s almost as if the pain and heartache of “accepting the things we cannot change,” fuels us to find the “courage to change the things we can,” as The Serenity Prayer counsels.

So, my encouragement – to you and to myself – is to continually cultivate the fortitude to look at ourselves and our lives, honestly and compassionately. For when we can clearly witness those hard-to-face truths, we can then decide what we can change and what we must simply accept.

That acceptance can then propel us to move forward with greater awareness, toward a better life.